The Most Dangerous Assignment
by Mako1
Summary: Mail Call! Quite possibly the most hazardous job on base anyone can willingly volunteer for. Rating is for language and adult humor


Author-chick's notes: Nothing is mine except Marina…and some of the experiences you'll see in here.  And if you don't believe some of this, trust me!  I work in the postal industry, this shite happens on a daily basis, don't believe me?  You try it. ^^  Eh, PG considering some of the situations (par for the course with me) language (also par for the course with me) and sexual innuendo (do I need to repeat myself?)  Enjoy!  And pity Alpine, really, he needs it.  Poor bugger. O=)

The Most Dangerous Assignment.

"The Motor Pool first?"  Alpine asked.  He was getting more and more dubious about this job, the more he heard about it.  Sparks had been injured pretty badly in a car accident recently.  Alpine had volunteered to take over a few of his duties for him, as had several others.  He was beginning to regret that decision.  "Can't I just send their stuff over on a missile or something?  That place is the black hole man.  Nothing comes out alive!"

Sparks laughed at the suggestion and continued with the list he was holding.  "After the Motor Pool, then there's the Jet Jockeys, the Dojo, Dog Handlers, uh the easiest way to get Infantry is on the rifle range…" Alpine's reaction to the last one stopped him cold.  Sparks waited for Alpine to regain his composure before continuing.  "Relax!  Just let them know you're coming and it'll be fine."

"How? Incendiaries?" Alpine asked.  "Some of those maniacs have really good long distance range accuracy!"  Alpine shut up at the raised eyebrow he got from Sparks, but not before muttering something about running at the first hint of being sighted with a laser.

"After you get the outdoors done, then the Pit is a piece of cake." Sparks continued.  "Hawk's office first, then work your way outwards.  I usually do the Kitchen…" Another pause for dramatics from Alpine who was making gagging noises.  "…Computer room, Communications, the Lab, and wrap up with Medical…they get some weird stuff too." 

"Medical?  You mean I actually have to go there too?"  Alpine asked in a small voice.  "Man how do you do this every week and yet survive to tell the tales?" He continued after Sparks had nodded to him.

"Easy.  They like me, and it's not like the writers give me any action any way."  They both glanced to the side at the comment.  "Ok, with that out of the way here are some things that'll make life easier…not to mention safer." Sparks smirked as he handed Alpine a large bag.

"Dog biscuits? I guess that makes sense." Alpine continued riffling through the bag, muttering about being more of a zoo instead of a military installation when he came upon something that didn't make sense.  "What is this?" Alpine asked as he held up a small tattered white flag.

Sparks laughed.  "You gotta go to Medical right?  I usually wave that in the doorway first to make sure the coast is clear."  After Sparks explained to Alpine how he had everything set up, he remembered a few last minute things to tell him just in case.  "Ok, with Deep Six, if he asks who you are, just say you're filling in for me."

"What do you mean if he: 'Asks who I am?'" 

"He only knows the rest of the water rats, Hawk, the girls, and me because I deliver this stuff usually, by name.  The rest of us he could care less about, unless we're in battle then yeah you're safe." Sparks explained.  "If the cook asks you to try his latest creation, politely refuse, unless Roadblock's on duty then yeah go for it." Alpine rolled his eyes and mouthed 'why me?' before setting out.  

"Anything else?"  He asked as a last thought. 

"Oh yeah.  If you don't see any of the girls on your rounds just hand their stuff to the lucky bastard on guard duty in front on their dorms." Sparks added.

"Lucky bastard is right.  Is that it?"  Sparks just smiled in to evil a manner for Alpine's tastes before asking if Alpine's will was up to date.  "Never mind." Alpine gulped as he set out the door.

Alpine muttered under his breath as he made his way over to the large hanger, the tank jockeys had claimed as their own.  He saw who he presumed was Cross Country, or at least part of him.  The upper half was buried in the guts of a Mauler and the language spewing forth was a good indication to Alpine that he'd be safer continuing his mission somewhere else…the office for instance.  Alpine was about to knock when he noticed a large piece of paper with some writing.  "Nice handwriting. The grammar blows but the script is nice." He commented as he read it.

"If yer gonna come in, why the hell are you gonna waste yer time, not to mention mine by knocking?  Just open the damn door!  

Sincerely, the asshole in charge.

p.s. If the curtain is down, then YES! Please knock!"  

"Okay…" Alpine said aloud.  The curtain wasn't drawn so he just opened the door like the note said half praying it wasn't some sort of joke.   Steeler looked up from the forms he was reading and greeted Alpine.  Thunder and Heavy Metal were also sitting at various desks scattered around the spacious office.

"Ah, ya can read." He commented, referring to the notice on the door.  "What can I do ya for?" Steeler continued.

"Mail Call…?" Alpine stammered when he noticed the open whiskey bottle next to Steeler's feet on the desk.   Thunder had a beer on his desk and headphones on, drumming to the beat of whatever he was listening to with drumsticks.

Steeler smirked and simply asked if Alpine had ever seen Hawk's office and the case of booze situated right behind the general's desk.  "Point taken." Alpine replied, making a mental note to steer a little clear of any of them in battle just in case.  He reached for the bag he brought with him and began getting out the mail.  "Mr. Breckinridge?  Looks like you got yourself a hot date." Alpine commented as he tossed a perfumed letter towards the tanker.

"Heh, hot date my ass.  This is 'International Relations.'" Thunder smirked as he opened the letter and began to read it.

"Boy.  I can hear that racket from over here, how the hell is it you can hear me talking?" Alpine asked, pointing to the personal CD player that was currently blasting Metallica at ear bleeding levels.

"Good ears." Thunder winked, then cheered.  "Hot damn! Janey's coming back from Ireland!"   Alpine raised an eyebrow in question, which Steeler caught and answered.

"Remember that blonde chopper pilot the Brits sent over a while back?" Alpine nodded and Steeler continued.  "Thunder and her got to talking and then…" Alpine didn't need any further explanation when he saw Steeler's cheek bulge out a bit in a suggestive hint.

"Gotcha." Alpine said before continuing.  "Where do you want me to put Clutch's stuff?" Alpine indicated, holding a large collection of magazines.

"On the desk with the oil drum for a base.  Is his Playboy in there?" Steeler asked as Alpine did as he was told.

"Playboy's next week." Thunder piped up from his letter reading.

"Shit!" Steeler looked upset at that.  Alpine marveled again that Thunder could hear anything before heading over to Heavy Metal.

"Ah my fellow accountant."  Alpine handed him a small stack of letters and papers.  "Oh yeah!" He chimed when they both spotted an accounting magazine in the pile.

"You sons of bitches open it to the stock reports and start drooling and I shoot yins!" Both accountants heard Steeler say as he watched them get excited over the magazine, a small 'Damn' was heard from both them as they continued.

"They don't call you 'Steeler' because you're into tanks do they?" Alpine asked as he handed a football magazine over.  Steeler grinned and wagged his eyebrows as he read up on the predictions for the upcoming football season and the hopes that his team, whom he was named for, would get revenge for last seasons tragedy.

"Nope.  Don't help I grew up a few blocks down from Three Rivers either." Steeler said then paused in reverence to the former stadium.  Alpine never could understand hometown reverence for a sports team, maybe because his own home state didn't have any pro teams worth mentioning.  He handed out some more mail and placed it on the desks Steeler pointed to.  

"Uh I would hand these to Cross Country, but he doesn't sound like he wants to be interrupted right now, where should I put these?" Alpine indicated a small stack of letters from home in his hand.  Clutch came in at the same time and heard most of the last question.

"That stupid hick is still messing with that damn piece of shit?" Clutch asked as he went to his own desk.  "Where's my Playboy?" He asked when he couldn't find it in the stack of car magazines he was looking through.

"Yeah, and Playboy's next week…dammit." Steeler answered from his desk.  Clutch frowned in disappointment then began reading the Motor Trend he had gotten.  He paused and asked for a beer which he caught as Heavy Metal tossed it over and continued reading about engine enhancements.

Alpine shook his head incredulously as he got the last of the mail out.  "Ah! The one gem in this decrepit shack!  Where's Ms. Krieger?"

"Right behind you." Cover Girl piped up as she made her way to the neatest desk in the office.  "Steeler?  I'd go and check on Cross Country if I were you…the 'God Damns' have become 'Mother Fuckers'".  She said as she sat down and looked at Alpine expectedly.  Steeler made to get up when Clutch said he'd go and take care of it.

"Soooo? What did the fashion industry send me this week, in their effort to say I'm wasted here, please come back to us?"  Cover Girl asked Alpine as he handed her a bunch of catalogs from various places.  "Uhg, no way, I don't think so, ooo Victoria's Secret, hands off!" Cover Girl said as she sorted the catalogs out.  "Could you toss these please?" She asked, as she handed Alpine the ones she didn't want.  Alpine picked one out and tossed the rest and began thumbing through the swimsuit catalog he saved.

"I pledge allegiance, to the flag…" He began as everyone looked up at Alpine's sudden interest in expressing his patriotism, "…That looks amazing on your ass honey." Alpine continued. 

"Y'know, it has been a while, but I seem to recall, that's NOT how it goes." Steeler said at the last part.

"It is now." Alpine countered and held up the magazine with a picture of a beautiful woman barely covered in a bikini with a US flag design.  "Somehow I doubt Betsy Ross had this in mind when she sewed together 'Old Glory' all those years ago." He continued.

"Jesus.  That thing ain't on her ass, it's up it!" Heavy Metal blurted.  Cover Girl laughed as the men crowded around Alpine for a better look.

"Well…gimme that…" Alpine said as someone tried to steal the catalog from him. "Lady an uh…"

"Pigs!"

"Screw you!"

"You wish Blondie!"

Alpine snickered as he tried to excuse himself from the Motor Pool.  "I'll admit it's been fun, but you guys were just the first of many hazards.  See ya."  He said and left.  As he passed Cross Country and Clutch he could hear both of them swearing over the mauler that was in even lesser shape then when he'd last seen it.  Getting back into the jeep he took out the note Sparks had given him and checked off his next destination.  "Jet Jockeys, this should be okay." 

Ace was making paper airplanes as Alpine walked in.  "Mail Call." He called out.  Slip Stream bounced out from somewhere behind Alpine, scaring the hell out of the mountaineer in the process.  'So much for safe.' Alpine thought as he got his heart rate back to normal.

"Gamer in there?" Slip Stream asked, not noticing the glare he was getting from Alpine.  Alpine tossed the magazine to Slip Stream and continued.

"Looks like it's time to pay for playing Ace." He said as he handed the pilot a credit card bill.  

"Ha! My last trip to Nellis was a goldmine.  I have free rooms for life at the Bellagio thanks to the moron who was dealing." Ace chirped and opened up the bill.

"Nellis?  Oh yeah!" Remembering where the Air Force base was located.  "Wait a minute?  Weren't you on strict orders to stay OUT of Vegas last time you were there?" Alpine asked.

"No, that was the time before for crashing another jet." Ace answered, getting out his checkbook he scribbled off a quick payment and stuffed it in the envelope provided.  Sealed it and handed it back to Alpine.  "This was for the trip home to Providence." Ace added.

Alpine put it in the 'Out' pocket and left quickly.  How Sparks could stay sane doing this week after week amazed him as he headed off to his next destination.  Alpine saw that practice was intense in the Dojo and placed the letters he had in the box provided.  They practiced with sharp objects and Alpine wasn't about to risk life and limb on this stop.

As he pulled up to the kennels he took a quick head count and noticed that anyone who had a pet was present.  He quickly resorted through the various bags of mail and got out all the stuff for the people present.  Remembering what Sparks had put in the 'safety kit' he got out all of the 'bribes' for assorted possibly rabid animals, Mutt included.

"Hey.  Que Pasa? Amigo." Law said as he saw the mountaineer walk up.

"What's going on here?" Alpine asked, waving a chew bone at Order who was sniffing him a little to intently.  He jumped a bit when the tervuren snatched the bone out of his hand

"Vet check." Law answered, not sounding to thrilled with the idea.

"What's wrong with that?" Alpine asked.  Before Law could answer Shipwreck spoke up.  

"He's mad because he gets 'extra service' when he takes Order into the vets." The sailor laughed at Law's look of contempt.  Alpine looked over at the pretty blonde who was checking out Junkyard, then back to Law.

"You and…?" Alpine asked, jerking a thumb towards her.

"Uh huh." Law smiled, Alpine laughed and looked down, he could almost swear Order was grinning around his bone up at his master.  He headed over to Spirit and ducked when Freedom decided just then to spread his wings and screech.

"They know they all get goodies around this time don't they?" Alpine asked as he got out the small packet marked for the eagle.  As he handed it over to Spirit, he also handed over a letter from home.  Not wanting to know what the eagle got as a 'don't hurt me' bribe he headed to his next destination.

"Oh now that's just disgusting." Alpine teased as he got to Dusty.  Sandstorm was lying in his lap getting a belly scratch.  Alpine handed over the treat marked for the coyote and a letter for Dusty.  "If your momma saw this she'd gush profusely, you know that right?" Alpine teased further at the blush he got then handed out some of the other mail he had.  He'd saved the worst for last, figuring that Junkyard was safer then Mutt.  The vet smiled as Junkyard enthusiastically dived in to his bone.  Passing Mutt, he slipped the paper bag to the handler, judging from the feel it was probably illegal but he wasn't about to say anything.

Alpine got on the radio as he got back into the Jeep.  "Hey Dailtone? Would you call ahead and tell the gun freaks that I'm heading over with mail?"  

"Sure thing Alpine." Came the chipper response.

"And that if they even think of shooting out my tires I'll run them over!" He added as a second thought.  Alpine heard Dailtone laugh and make the requested call to the rifle range.  He couldn't hear anything, as he got closer to the rifle range, keeping an extra eye out for any laser sights he slowly pulled up to where Beach Head was yelling about something.

"Where the hell did you stupid bastards learn to shoot?"  Beach Head yelled, pointing to the small hole in his pants, the shot had barely missed hitting him.  Someone sounding suspiciously like Leatherneck said something about learning to shoot from the Joes resident pacifist.  This got a few chuckles as Alpine moved over.

"Yeah whadda ya want?" Beach Head barked, still fuming about the state of his pants leg.

"Mail Call." Alpine said as he began handing out various letters and such.  "Mr. Skoog, junk mail! Congratulations! That's the first I've seen all day." Alpine said as he handed over a pile of letters marked 'urgent' to Tripwire. "And what were your parents thinking with that name?" Alpine added as second thought.

"They're Scots, and they're cruel." Tripwire grinned as he handed the junk over to Short Fuze to use as kindling.  Short Fuze grinned as he tossed the pile to the wind and began systematically shooting each piece out of the air.  Alpine stepped behind Bazooka just in case one of the shots was a stray and went into the crowd instead.

"Hey!" Bazooka snapped when he realized who was behind him…and why.  Alpine ignored his friend and got out the bundle for him.  

"Looks the old reading skills have improved there buddy." Alpine joked as he handed over a huge stack of comics.  A 'Hmph', and Alpine made his way over to the only Marine present.

"I'm gonna tell Life Line about that shooting crack too, just so you know." Alpine said as he handed over some bills and letters to Leatherneck.

"Ha! What's he gonna do? Throw a hissy?" Leatherneck retorted as he skimmed through the pile to see what he'd received.  The large marine jumped when he heard Low Light right behind him.

"You only hope that's what he does." Low Light smirked as he opened a letter from his sister.

"What? He's harmless!" Leatherneck continued.

"That evil, sadistic, bastard is anything but harmless." Low Light replied.  "He has all of our medical files memorized, they all do as a matter of fact, but Life Line uses that info for revenge." Low Light said.  Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at the marksman like he'd lost his mind.  Wet Suit whistled at the statement as if he'd just heard that Mother Theresa was responsible for running a chain of strip joints.

"Wow.  I'm impressed.  That's the first time I've ever heard the words, evil, sadistic, AND bastard, directed towards Life Line.  Let alone all in the same sentence, what are you talking about man?" Beach Head stated.

"Ever notice that a few of us are very up to date on our shots?" Low Light asked, a few in the crowd agreed as he continued.  "A while back I was giving him hell about his beliefs when he stopped, narrowed his eyes and smiled…evilly.  I swear I could see the pages turning in the mental Rolodex in his head.  He then went and ticked off about seven different shots I was due for and told me to meet him in the infirmary in five minutes, and he wasn't gentle administering them either." Low Light added, rubbing his arm in memory of the pain.  Everyone could be seen thinking about their last shots a few of them realizing that what Low Light had just said made a lot of sense.

"Ohhh…That explains why he doesn't bother trying to stop me and stupid from arguing any more, he just pulls out a needle…and…fiddles…with…it." Leatherneck said as it dawned on him how quickly the arguments ended whenever he and Wet Suit saw him do it.

"Who the hell are you callin' 'Stupid', jarhead?" 

"Ah screw you Guppy!"

"Oh yeah!"  

Alpine ignored the pair as they started up in the latest round of 'debates' and handed out some more mail.  "Oh hey Toll Booth.  Your latest Mechanics mag is on your desk in the Motor Pool." He said to the engineer.  Toll Booth's eyes lit up and he made his way over to the Motor Pool.  "What are you thinking about?" Alpine asked Lift Ticket as he approached and saw the chopper pilot in deep thought.

"Tryin' to figure out how many times he's pulled that shit on me." Lift Ticket said as he absently took the mail he was handed.  At Alpine's 'who?' Lift Ticket responded. "Life Line.  Makes sense though when ya think about it." He drawled as he went over what Low Light had said about the 'supposedly' gentle medic.

"Okay…" Alpine went and delivered a few more small bundles then asked Low Light where Sci-Fi was.  "Where's yer partner in crime?" 

"Infirmary." Low Light stated.

"He made a few snide remarks again?" Alpine asked referring to what they had all just learned about how Life Line handled cracks directed towards him.

"Nah.  He helped me figure that one out, he knows better." Low Light said in defense of his friend.  "Napalm accident." Low Light casually added.

"NAPALM?" Alpine asked.  Low Light explained what had happened and went back to destroying a few targets like a napalm accident was nothing around base.  Slack jawed and dazed, Alpine made his way back to his jeep and headed towards the main building.  He found General Hawk nursing a scotch on the rocks when he entered the man's office. "Here you are Sir." Alpine said as he handed over correspondence from the Pentagon.  

Hawk noticed the dazed look on Alpine's face and offered him a drink as well.  Alpine accepted and took a seat to down it and a few more.  "How's mail call going?" Hawk asked as Alpine finished his third shot of scotch.  Alpine mumbled a 'fine' and excused himself to continue his rounds, he could hear Hawk laughing as he left for the kitchen.

In the kitchen and mess hall he saw a few people he hadn't seen on his earlier routes and got their stuff ready.  Thankfully Roadblock was on cook duty and Alpine gladly accepted the morsel offered, if only to wash out the bitter taste of the scotch he had just gulped down in Hawk's office.  "That bad huh?" Roadblock asked as Alpine took another piece of the steak the chef was preparing.

"You don't want to know man.  Just never accept to do mail call, these people are nuts!" Alpine explained as he got a glass of water to wash down his small yet delectable snack.

"Tell me about it.  I have to finish getting lunch ready in another half hour." Roadblock stated.  Both men shared a look of impending doom then wished each other luck, as they set about continuing their chores.  Alpine spotted the rest of the 'water rats' wrapping up a meeting and getting an early jump on lunch.  Several of the foreign Joes were present as well, having wrapped a similar meeting.

"Sorry Cutter, nothing today." Alpine said as he got out a wonderfully smelling box for Cutter's lunch mate.  "You on the other hand have exquisite taste in cigars." He said as he handed the box over to Deep Six.

"Yeah. Thanks…who're you?" The reclusive diver asked.  Alpine sighed, grateful for the briefing he got from Sparks about the diver.

"Alpine.  I climb mountains and am currently filling in for Sparks." Alpine smiled weakly.

"Oh yeah.  How's he doing?" Deep Six asked as he got a few cigars out.  "Here, hand these to him while yer at it." He added.

"He's good.  Probably relieved he isn't doing this right now." Alpine chuckled as he accepted the gift for the injured clerk.  Deep Six thought about it for a second and got two more out for Alpine.

"You sound like you need 'em." He added as he went back to picking at his salad.  Alpine thanked him and headed over to another table.  There, he found the Joes other SEAL and a new recruit from Iceland, a pretty one at that.

"Hey Torpedo, Marina.  Mail Call." Alpine smiled as he handed Marina some letters from home.  The blonde smiled as she began sorting through her mail.  The Joes had hired her from her country's Coast Guard.  She was an oceanographer by trade, but also had an interest, and expertise in underwater explosives…so much so she had made the Joe team with no problem.  Torpedo had taken a shine to her and they both had been spending a lot of free time together, getting to know each other better.

"Pakkir." Marina said as she opened up a letter from her parents.  "Oop, sorry, 'Thanks'." She laughed when she realized she had said it in her native language.  Alpine nodded to the pretty blonde and handed over a care package to Torpedo from home.

"I think whoever typed the return address, got a little carried away with the 'a' key." He said when he saw the town's name.  Torpedo glanced at it and laughed.

"Nope, that's how Kaaawa is spelled." Torpedo said, saying the name to fast for Alpine to get how it was pronounced.  The SEAL tore into the box and took out a sealed packet of some lavender goop. He cradled it lovingly next to his cheek before getting his diving knife to cut it open.  Marina and Alpine both looked on in awe as Torpedo poured the entire contents on the plate with his vegetarian stir-fry.  Torpedo didn't even blink an eye as he mixed a forkful of food in the stuff and savored it reverently.  "God I miss dis stuff." He purred as he dug into it some more.

Marina winced as she watched him devour his lunch, dipping it into the lavender glue like substance he'd just added.  Alpine blanched a little too as he watched Torpedo practically worship the stuff.  "What is that?" He asked, no longer able to control his curiosity, and hoping he wouldn't regret it either.  

Torpedo opened his eyes to look at the mountaineer. "Huh? Oh! Dis is Poi! The food of the gods!" He added as he stopped using it as a condiment and ate it straight.  "Pulverized taro root." He explained when the look of 'huh?' was still on both their faces.

Marina studied it before asking if she could taste a little bit of it.  Torpedo let her and she dipped a finger in it.  Sniffing it first, she touched it with her tongue.  Finding the taste bland, she swallowed the dollop she had on her finger, exploring the taste a bit more as it went down.  "That's actually pretty good." She exclaimed as she got another finger full and gulped it down too.  Alpine wasn't feeling as brave and left the two to playfully squabble over the remaining poi on Torpedo's plate.

He made his way over to a table that had two of Britain's finest, a wild man from the Australian outback, and a very large Samoan who could pass for Torpedo's cousin.  "Your Irish friend is heading back apparently, according to a letter received earlier." Alpine said to Sparta, the pretty redhead seated at the table.  

"Oh Smashing! It'll be good to see Jane again." Sparta answered in her crisp accent.  Alpine decided he could listen to her all day, but the look he got from her fellow countryman told him otherwise.

Alpine addressed that man and handed him a single letter from London, probably parliament he figured, judging from the fancy lettering on the envelope.  "I don't know what your 'mates' sent you pal, but you have a huge box in will call waiting for you." Alpine told Skymate as he handed over a claim slip.

"About bloody time me beer got here! I was thinking the sods had drank it already. That, or bloody customs had swiped it." Skymate's eyes lit up at the thought of real beer, instead of what he called 'that piss yanks drink'.  Alpine laughed and was about to hand Red Dog his mail when Torpedo called out from across the room.

"Oi? Solei!  Check em out cuz!" He said holding up one of the bags of poi.  The Samoan's eyes lit up when he saw the bag and absently thanked Alpine before heading over to join in on the feast.  Alpine overheard the two going on about how it was great you shared the last batch, here have some of mine, and so forth.  Shaking his head, Alpine ticked another local off the list as he made his way to the Computer room.  At least Dailtone and Mainframe weren't to bad, he hoped.

Sure enough the two were playing video games as usual when Alpine walked in.  "Mail Call." He said and the two jumped.

"Oh hey Alpine. Survived the rifle range from the looks of things." Dailtone smiled.  His smile got even bigger when he saw that his mother had sent him a care package from home.  Alpine handed a letter to Mainframe that appeared to be from some law firm in Phoenix.  Mainframe read a little bit then started yelling.

"That snake! Now what did she do to me this time?" Mainframe fumed as he read further.

"Snake?" Alpine asked.  "Zarana?" He asked, looking at Dailtone for answers.

"Wrong snake.  This one's worse, his ex-wife." Dailtone whispered back.  Alpine didn't need any further explanation; it was a well-known fact that Mainframe's marriage had ended on a sour note.  Alpine was about to sneak out when Mainframe's mood took a sudden upswing.

"No way! Oh no way, the gods don't love me that much." Mainframe laughed.  Intrigued, Alpine decided to find out what had happened, Dailtone, who was all set to escape with Alpine, sat back down too.

"Sooo? What happened this time?" Dailtone asked, his voice full of anticipation.

"That evil, sneaking, underhanded COW, finally remarried!  No more alimony payments raping my bank account!" Mainframe cheered.  He rummaged under the main desk for a moment before pulling out a very expensive bottle of Champaign.  "Wanna join me? I've been waiting fifteen years to open this!"  Alpine and Dialtone were both impressed and each took the glasses that Mainframe had handed them.  "Gentlemen, I am well and truly free!" They raised their glasses in a toast and drank the exquisite vintage.  Alpine would have loved to have stayed and help finish off the bottle, but he still had a few more stops before he could also welcome his own freedom.  Dailtone was already feeling the effects of just the one glass, but he decided 'why not?' and continued drinking with his friend.

Alpine knew he would be hurting later.  Not that he couldn't hold his liquor, he just didn't hold his liquor if it was mixed drinking.  Between the scotch in Hawk's office and the wine in the computer room, Alpine knew he was in for a rough one.  The Communications room was third to last on his list he was beginning to think he might actually survive the day.  Then he remembered where he had left after here.  Sighing, Alpine stepped in and was assaulted on the aural level with whatever Breaker and Rock n Roll had playing on the stereo.

Not even bothering to announce himself, Alpine just stalked over to the various occupants of the room and handed over their mail.  Footloose was a lost cause as far as Alpine was concerned.  He sat in a full lotus position, swaying gently to the rhythm of the music.  Alpine rushed his deliveries and then left as quickly as possible.

The Lab.  The Lab was where maniacs like Airtight, Blowtorch, and Short Fuze hung out.  Alpine crossed himself in prayer and entered…then ducked.  A glob of something flew past his head, just missing hitting him.  He stood upright and glared at Airtight who had thrown the stuff and contemplated pulling out his gun and finishing him off.  "Sorry Alpine.  It's just that toy slime stuff." Airtight explained before he found himself ducking a similar blob.

Eyes narrowed and patience all but gone, Alpine screamed at the top of his lungs.  "MAIL CALL! You bastards land any of that crap on me and there will be some serious executions going on around here!"  Flash stopped mid-pitch, and Airtight gulped audibly.  Alpine knew who else was supposed to be in the lab but couldn't see Tunnel Rat anywhere.

"Uh Alpine?"

"WHAT?"

"*gulp* Uh Sparks usually just slips it under the door or leaves it outside."

"GAAHHHHH!"  Alpine tossed the bag up in the air in frustration and went on to his next stop, slamming the door behind him.

"He needs some serious pussy." Tunnel Rat piped up before continuing the slime war with the others.

Alpine meanwhile was contemplating all the ways he would kill Sparks for forgetting the detail about how to handle the Lab.  He stalked into the clerk's office and immediately, all thoughts of homicide left him.  Sparks was holding out a peace offering in the form of some nice coffee, the good stuff, not the sludge served in the mess hall.  Alpine took a few sips.  Flavored just how he liked it, and not scalding hot, just pleasantly warm, the way Alpine liked it.  He closed his eyes and began to breath deeply.

Sparks just sat there and watched the mountaineer as he calmed down.  After a few minutes Alpine's eyes opened up and he was visibly more relaxed.  "Want me to just call the Infirmary and have them come here and get their stuff?" Sparks offered.  Alpine thought the offer over for a few minutes before saying no.  He'd agreed to do this for Sparks, and he was bound and determined to finish it, even it did kill him.

"You forgot a vital detail in your initial briefing." Alpine said calmly.  At Sparks puzzled look, Alpine continued.  "The Lab?" Sparks winced and apologized profusely for the slip.

"I'm sorry.  I'm so used to it that it slipped my mind, I've never had the balls to set foot in there myself." Sparks said.

"Yeah, well that was the first and LAST time I do it either." Alpine finished.  "Oh! Deep Six gave me these to give to you." Alpine said remembering the cigars the diver had given him to hand to the clerk.

"That was nice of him.  Did he know who you were?" Sparks asked, lighting up one of the cigars.

"Hell no."  Sparks laughed with Alpine before continuing.  

"Take a few minutes to calm down, you'll need it trust me.  You thought the Lab was bad, those 'supposed' life savers are even worse when they're bored." Sparks winked.

"That's not the worst of it.  Sci-Fi's in there too." Alpine offered.

"Which one did he piss off?" Sparks asked.

"You know about Life Line and the shot thing?"

"Life Line?  They all do it, Doc, Stretcher, and Life Line.  I'm surprised it took the mental midgets around here so long to figure it out." Sparks added.  Alpine made a mental note to not upset any of the medical staff, he figured Psyche-Out was probably in on it too and added the psychiatrist to the list as well.  "So, what's Sci-Fi in for then?" Sparks added.

"Napalm accident apparently." Sparks eyes bulged at that and he stammered trying to ask what had happened.  Alpine got he gist of it and answered. "Apparently one of the green shirts was messing around with the stuff, when he dropped it and it set fire.  Sci-Fi got just a tiny bit of it on his leg and ended up in the Infirmary with third degree burns." Alpine said.

"Oh god. I hope he's okay?" Sparks asked in concern.

"Apparently he'll be fine, what I'm worried about is the fact that he's also probably bored out of his mind in there." Alpine sighed.  Downing the rest of his coffee, he put a small bag containing mail for the girls he hadn't seen in with the Infirmary's mail.  He also added Sci-Fi's mail to the tote as well and placed it on top of a handcart that Sparks had set up with a bunch of packages also heading to Medical.  Waving a final farewell he set off for his last destination…Just before Sparks called out he returned and retrieved the small white flag to signal his presence to the staff and went on his way.

He got the door with the big red cross on it, and held the flag out, waving it a bit in the hopes that someone would spot it and give him the okay.  Doc came to the rescue.

"Hold it! Mail's here!" Doc called out.

"Aw shit! I was winning too." Psyche-Out pouted.  Alpine saw what the psychiatrist was winning at when he stepped into the main office.

"Scalpel…darts?  And you're supposed to help people with mental problems?"  Alpine shook his head in amazement.

"Well? What can you do with five hundred scalpels?" Life Line shrugged.  It was then Alpine remembered the fiasco with an ordering mishap.  Instead of a mere fifty scalpels, the medical unit ended up with five hundred.  Alpine was interrupted before he could muse a little longer.

"Hey? Mind moving yer scrawny ass over by Doc's desk so I can go back to kicking the shrink's ass?" Sci-Fi spoke up.  Alpine saw him in a wheelchair with his burnt leg laid out on a built leg rest.  He was grateful the wound was covered in a damp towel and a bandage.  That was something Alpine didn't want to see first hand for himself.

"Yeah sure.  How you feeling?" Alpine asked as he got the mail in order to hand out.

"Fine.  At least these guys know how to beat boredom off." Sci-Fi said before sending one of his scalpels straight into the bulls-eye.  "Kiss my ass bitch!" He whooped at Psyche-Out who was now in danger of loosing the game.  Alpine laughed as he got everything sorted.

"Stretcher, Stretcher, Stretcher…is it me or am I seeing a pattern here?" Alpine asked as he kept finding letters for the medic, from various women.

"Looks like the harem's in need of some TLC." Doc laughed.  Stretcher smirked and made a comment about it being so hard being so much in demand.

"Playboy in there?" Stretcher asked as Alpine handed him the large stack of love letters.

"Next week!" Alpine, Sci-Fi, and Doc, all said at the same time.  Life Line just hung his head and laughed, Psyche-Out meanwhile looked just as disappointed as Stretcher.

"University of Montana?  Paleontology Department?" Alpine asked as he read the return address.  

"Mine! It's from my sister." Sci-Fi cheered.

"Your parents didn't break the mold after they had you?" Alpine asked.  Sci-Fi just laughed.

"They did.  I was their last one, and only boy.  Dee's older then me by a year and half…" He said indicating the letter from the University, "…and Avery is ten minutes older then me."  Sci-Fi added, smiling in pride at the mention of his twin sister.

Alpine winced.  "There's a twin?"

"Yup! Storm chaser.  Dee digs up dinosaurs." Sci-Fi explained.

"Well that would explain the letter from NOAA." Alpine said as he handed it over.  "Who's Carrie then?" He added when he got out the small package also meant for Sci-Fi.

"That's my mommy." He said in a childish voice.  "I eh told her I got hurt and she had one of her very rare complete shit fits." He added in his regular voice.  Sci-Fi opened up the box and raised his eyes towards the ceiling. "God Bless that woman!" He praised as he took out some home baked treats.

Alpine looked over at Psyche-Out and asked if Sci-Fi's whole family was nuts.  "From what I've been told, it's safe to say, yes.  It's also safe to say that I don't think he's the worst either." Psyche-Out said jerking a thumb at the patient who was currently downing one of the cookies his mother had sent him.  

Alpine rolled his eyes, for what seemed the millionth time that day and went about unloading the boxes in the cart.  One of the boxes had several bright orange warning labels on them and he read them.  "Oh my god!  This place is Frankenstein's lab!"  Alpine jumped back from the box that said: "WARNING! Human tissue inside, biological hazard!" 

Doc didn't flinch however, when he stepped past Alpine to retrieve the box.  "Hey Sci-Fi?  Your new leg's here." Doc called out as he set the box down, containing skin grown from a small sample to help heal the injured man's leg.

"Cool, can I watch ya stick it on?" Sci-Fi asked, not at all squeamish about the contents. That was it, that was the proverbial straw for Alpine.  He ran screaming from the Infirmary and hid in his room for the rest of the day.

"I'll give him the rest of today before I go check up on him." Psyche-Out said nonchalantly.  Stretcher was wheeling Sci-Fi back into the OR to prep him for the transplant, and telling him that 'no, you have to be sedated for this.' At Sci-Fi's continued requests to watch.  Doc and Life Line got scrubbed up and ready to deal with their patient, while Psyche-Out looked at the tote that still had the bag containing some mail in it.  He opened it up and saw who it was for.  "Looks like I get to raid the hen house after all today." He said aloud, a smile slowly blooming on his face.  It didn't take him long to convince the guard at the women's dorm that he had some important emergency he had to take care of.

The End.


End file.
